See Dick run. See Jane run. See Spot run. What makes Dick and Jane run? Run Dick and Jane, run.

Jane and I occasionally get gigs freelance writing for adult magazines. We do it as much for fun as anything else, and certainly it could not sustain us financially. We mentioned to our dear friend Elliot James from SCORE magazine that we were heading to the Exotic Erotic Ball at Pier 94 in Manhattan, and we asked him if he wanted us to cover the event for his group of magazines. He thought it would be a good idea, and got Jane and me press passes for the event.

I get the point honey, you want to buy a motorcycle...

Here we are in our rough and tumble gear...daytime expo outfits

Perry Mann, the host of this shindig was trying something new. For years it had been strictly held in San Francisco, but now he was trying to make it a bi-coastal event. In short, the EE ball (www.exoticeroticball.com ) is just a huge, awesome party that caters to anyone and everyone. You have exhibitionists, fetishists, Adult film performers, Vanilla Soccer Moms, Non-Mons and just about everything else you could imagine this side of Rosie O’Donnell in a thong. During the day there were vendors selling really cool and sexy stuff…and at night, with the vendors still active they threw a HUGE party with Porn Stars, dancers acrobats, bands, S&M shows, and for us, the best part was when Parliament Funkadelic came out jamming to “Tear the Roof off the Sucka”, and George Clinton, Dr. Funkenstein himself took one look at Jane and pulled her up on stage.

Make my Funk da P-Funk! Jane and George Clinton jammin'... It looks like Walt Disney was the hair stylist.

Jane and Perry Mann, the world needs more nutjobs like this guy..

We each gave several pints of blood, sold some furniture, and got a room in Midtown Manhattan for the night. If you’ve never done this, just think “mortgage payment” and you’ll get the idea, but there was no way we were going to drive home. Expo during the day, huge adult bash at night, and nothing but debauchery in between. We made a ton of friends, and we are really hoping that we can make it out to San Francisco.

Nightime at the Ball...I have to teach my wife to not be so shy...

"Yeah, I wanna see YOU walk around in 6" platforms and not sit down every once in a while..."

This is what I love about NYC...Here are Jane and the Naked Cowgirl in Times Square, and the only people who give a shit are the tourists...Like people see this kind of thing every day

The next weekend we went to our friends R & C’s house on the east end of Long Island. They throw an annual bash and have a beautiful home, with a really great private backyard. Its great to be able to not have to worry about nosey neighbors, especially if you hang with this crowd. Let’s just say that this was not an appropriate venue for people younger than 21. Jane and I have this great “Posse” of friends that gets together for debauchery as often as we can. We never have as much fun as when we are with these psychopaths. Occasionally we meet at lifestyles events, and sometimes one of us will throw a party and invite the whole gang. The people at this party were our favorite people in the world.

here we are making our grand enterance during the day..

Oh yeah, She's aYankee Doodle Fuckin' Dandy

Having several spare bedrooms, they were able to have everyone who had a long drive home spend the night, which is great, because that allowed me to have three or twelve drinks and just do what comes naturally. Pass out. What a fantastic night, although with this group you could have thrown a party in a mini copper and they’d still manage to have a blast. The fact that it was held in this magnificent home didn’t suck though. Our lives aren’t always about wild parties though. Occasionally we do family stuff too. Such was the case for my gorgeous big sister’s 50th Birthday. She looks like my younger sister, which is depressing. If I didn’t love her so much I’d have to kill her. If anyone of you has someone like this in your family, I suggest moving very far away because you can’t help but look like the family mistake when you are standing next to them. I look like I have an extra chromosome when we are together, and that I should be chained up in the basement.

The Family is watching...gotta be good

It was great to see my family though, my dad, step mom, aunts, uncles, nephews, and my Brother and his family, who Jane and I are really close with. There wasn’t an ounce of sanity in the entire room. We’re really not the stereotypical Italian family. We aren’t loud, we don’t fight, and we aren’t constantly stuffing food into our mouths. The one thing we DO do is laugh a lot though. The birthday girl, my Sister as usual was the belle of the ball, and her husband is absolutely freaking hilarious. Even my Aunts crack me the hell up. They make the time between visits too long. We went to a Vanilla wedding, where we are normally very out of place, but this one was unbelievable. K&L are a serious power couple. Both of them doctors, and they had the audacity to be the best looking people there. No one is supposed to be that successful and that great looking. Damn, they were better looking than the plastic couple on top of their own cake. The bride actually made you gasp she was so freaking beautiful. In fact, normally the bridal party at Vanilla weddings looks like they shopped for bridesmaid’s gowns at Lane Bryant, but not this one. This looked like a damn wedding party in a soap opera. Jane and I were scouting for potential converts.

Boy, does my honey look great in a gown or what?

All dolled up... please don't make fun of my purple tie. It was a celebration damnit!

I won’t bullshit anybody. Normally I hate these fucking things. The suck ass wedding bands all sound the same, and the fat bastard loser cousins who never get out of the house wind up doing the hokey fucking pokey until you vomit, and the food is at best average. Not this wedding. If it were anything like a typical wedding I wouldn’t be writing about it, and would have simply neglected to mention it in our blog. This was simply the most elegant wedding we have ever been to, and a perfect representation of the newly married couple. Now if we can just get them to read my book and convert them into the lifestyle. Yup, that’s us. Always thinkin’.

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