Richard Woods’s name
is not really Richard Woods, it is something much more ethnically Italian, and he rarely writes about himself in the third person, so he’ll stop doing that now.

To be honest I am not really sure why I am using this name except for this silly little ‘Dick and Jane’ inside joke that my wife and I share. My life truly began the day my wife Jane and I met. She is my best friend, which turned out to be a real stroke of luck because she happens to be wrapped in a package that could give Jose Feliciano an erection. How many guys have a best friend named Bert, or something like that whose good times are limited to them playing poker or watching a ball game? I get to have unbelievable sex with my best friend, which from experience I can tell you is a hell of a lot better than playing cards. I am really fortunate that my best pal was able to pull double duty as my bride. The last nine years have been

the best of my life, and it only seems to be getting better. I am a New York City boy who is presently residing in suburban New Jersey.

I now know how animals feel when they are captured from the wilderness and put into captivity. It is not that I don’t like it here, I do. It is just that these fucking crickets keep me up all damn night. For the first time in my life I have a lawn, and to be honest, I have no damn idea what the hell to do with it. It’s nice to look at, I guess, if you inclined to give a shit about such things. Personally I cannot feel comfortable unless I am standing on asphalt. Now that I live in the land of barking dogs and no left turns, there are a few things that I have to remember that might help me make this transition a little smoother .

For instance, it is not socially acceptable here to respond to your neighbors greeting of “Good Morning” with “Go fuck yourself”. In the city, that is no problem, except for the good morning part, which no one ever says anyway, so this has taken a little getting used to. It has taken us a while, but we have finally found places where we can order edible pizza and Chinese food, but to be honest, the bagels around here suck. It seems that the further I get away from NYC, the more like a New Yorker I behave, which is to say basically, the more loud and obnoxious I become.