What is Richard Woods pissed off about this week?

RICHARD’S RANT of the WEEK… I don’t get. I just don’t fucking get it. Maybe I am not that bright. Is it me, or will people believe whatever drivel they are handed if it’s on television? The EARLY SHOW had a feature recently from two alleged marriage experts, who were there to enlighten the masses and sell their seminars, called Marriage Prep 101. Drs. Michelle and Patrick Gannon, two self-important asshats who would post on the bulletin board of the obvious with gratuitous dialogue scripted to amaze us with common knowledge. They brought nothing to the table, and their spew was reminiscent of a fitness “expert” who states that “drinking water isn’t that necessary when you are working out, but you have to be careful not to dehydrate”. Yet despite it all people pay money to sit there and listen to them, and CBS got to fill some space without being offensive to anyone (other than thinking people who take offense at being treated like idiots) Here are a few quotes from the show direct from the CBS website (with my comments added underneath in red)… CBS) Children of divorce know more than anybody that love is not enough. So here's an ounce of divorce prevention: Tracy Smith takes a look at Marriage Prep 101. There's actually a magic number – a ratio you should remember if you want to have a happy marriage. It's five to one; five positive interactions to every negative one; five fun, affectionate times for every knock down drag out brawl. That's one of the things couples learn in a little marriage education class that has become the cool wedding gift of the year. Right, I am sure people will be thinking of the ratio when they walk in on their spouse banging their next door neighbor Andree Merchant and Michael Christy are facing the first major challenge of their married lives: the wedding. You think this is a challenge? Wait until you have a mortgage, a couple of kids, your in laws over and you haven’t had sex in three months. But according to research, these two have a better shot at a happy marriage because they are graduates of Marriage Prep 101. Do They? What research? The same researchers who proved the existence of Bigfoot? Doctors Michelle and Patrick Gannon give weekend seminars based on 20 years of research and 12 years in the trenches. I bet they do. Marriage preparation has really taken a big jump in the last five years," Dr. Patrick Gannon explains. Has it now? You mean as opposed to getting married on a whim? Hey gang! Let’s get in on this craze! "About half of the couples in our workshop, one of the partners comes from a family of divorce," his wife adds. Oh Gee, Stop the freakin’ press…that would actually be better than the national statistic. "As much as you think you've got a perfect relationship, there's no guarantees," says Michael Christy, who graduated from Marriage Prep 101. Thank you Captain Obvious, Really? There are no guarantees? Never knew that, Thanks He should know. His idyllic childhood was forever changed when one parent's infidelity led to divorce. I bet he didn’t get that special bicycle for his twelfth birthday either. "How can I say that will never happen to me? Or how could I say it would never happen to Andrea? It's that fear of the unknown," Michael says, You can’t you douche. Great attitude heading into this though. You can’t predict the future, how observant of you. Shmuck. "People who come from divorce … are more motivated and know that love is not enough," Dr. Michelle Gannon explains. Are they? Ugh. I hope this moron gets lost on the Cross Bronx Expressway at 3 AM just for saying something this stupid. "An eight-hour marriage education class taken before the wedding can reduce divorce by 50 percent five years later," says Diane Sollee, Director of smartmarriages.com. She is at the forefront of marital research Yeah, and the Catholics say the same thing about Pre cana…What research are you talking about? Fifty percent? I need a lot more information than this. I need to know how many people who attend decide to NOT get married, then I might believe you (not really)…but are you trying to tell me that an 8-hour seminar is all that it takes for half of the people who would otherwise get divorced? Bullshit. "Couples who stay happily married disagree just as much as the couples that get divorced," Sollee says. "It's about knowing how to do marriage." Right, they disagree, but do they throw dishes just as much? Do they stay out just as late and do all of those other things that divorcing couples do? What gratuitous crap. The lessons are simple and skill-based. The first key: get a clue about what your partner expects from the marriage. Thanks a diaper load for this info. Is this a revelation to ANYONE? If it is you are too fucking stupid to get married. Get sterilized NOW. "My expectation is I would like to have children, preferably two or three," says Michael Christy. "And luckily, that's Andree's expectation also. So, it's…." Wait a minute, hold on there, Mikey! "Really?!!" Andree interjected. "No, that is very true. Although, you know, three is a lot. We'll start with one first." I sincerely hope that these two need simultaneous bone marrow transplants, and the only matching donors they can find are each other. Research tells us many couples are unprepared for that second or third year when excitement fades, real personalities emerge, and conflicts grow. Yet another startling revelation. And why that 8 hour seminar is ridiculous. "We mislead people. We call it the honeymoon phase, and we should call that the clash of civilization phase," says Sollee. Oh I just love these clever little catch phrases, What do you call the “bottom has dropped out of this market and I have to find a new career” phase? Experts say long lasting marriage means "managing" the things that divide you. Oh, is that what it means? Divide us? Like what? Liking different baseball teams? Who’s going to do the dishes? Drunken orgy at a bachelor party? But wait, “experts” said it, so it must be true. "Andree is a list person. And she tends to hide the list from me," says Michael. "But, one day I got a hold of the list. And I noticed the notation that Andree had to sharpen the knives. And to me, sharpen the knives was not something that needed to be focused on." This one is too fucking easy… Here's a surprise: conflict avoidance is a no-no. It's good to fight, but couples need the Geneva conventions. Right, Geneva Conventions. Right. Um, er, you have to be shitting me. "If a couple gets into a big fight and their heart rate goes above 100, they are not thinking clearly," Michelle Gannon explains. "When you get too hot, you take a time out," her husband adds. Above 100 huh? So we should all hook up to our monitors when we start to argue? And your right, hopefully it will start beeping before the bullets start flying. “Rabbit Season!” “Duck season!” “Fuck you, you miserable asshole!” Beeeeeeeeeeep “Hold on, I have to stop for a minute.” The next time this asshole fights with his self-indulgent wife, I hope he has a brain aneurysm because he didn’t take a time out when his heart rate hit 100. The research has identified specific fighting behaviors that torpedo marriages. Fighting behaviors? Like what? Assault and battery? "There are four main hostile behaviors that are predictive of divorce. They're criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. And stonewalling often goes with the conflict avoider," Michelle Gannon says. "They just leave the room. Hang up the phone. Go away for a few days. And that is very dangerous for a relationship." I guess they never thought of “Fucking his secretary” or” Got too fat and lost interest in sex”…Not to mention the old “What the hell was I thinking?”. Set a time and place for potentially difficult discussions. Men in particular, who make up 80 percent of the stonewallers, need parameters. Right. “Sweetheart, meet me in the alley behind Rollo’s Caberet in Beford Stuyvesant at 4 AM, I want to discuss something important with you” "What time's it start? How long will it take? And, how do I signal for a timeout? They love it. They will even talk to their wife if they know those three things," Sollee says. You forgot “Are we there yet?”…did you say that men will even talk to their wife? You do this for a living, right? And then figure out what your partner loves and just do it. This is the first smart thing she has said. Give me a blowjob. "I like it when Andree tells me she loves we and as we're walking down the street and she holds my hand," Michael says, Not to mention when she puts your balls in a vise, huh Mike? "He's loving me all the way to the trash can when he takes the trash out, when he goes to the grocery store," Andree adds. Speaking of trash cans… Bottom line: keep talking, a little communication goes a long way to making that walk into the sunset a little smoother. I hate this gratuitous crap more than anything. Really? We need to communicate? How about ”Fuck you”? How’s that for communication? Finally, there are some absolute don'ts: no eye rolling, do not threaten divorce when you're fighting, and ladies, be succinct. …And I think I’ll add a few …Don’t listen to these assholes. Don’t buy into whatever some alleged expert says on television. And lastly don’t delude yourselves into thinking that an eight-hour seminar is any form of happiness insurance. I implore you all. Read what they are expecting you to believe is breaking news. This is NOTHING you already didn’t know. Think for yourselves. …And to any of these self-serving scumbags who dole out crap like this at the expense of desperate and vulnerable people ….FUCK YOU.