Ho Ho Ho

What is Richard Woods pissed off about this week?

Christmas time brings about a special lunacy. There is something about this time of year that really makes people lose their sanity. Maybe some of them never had any in the first place.

I was going to write about some of the really stupid things that occur every year at this time, like the censoring of Santa Claus from Saying “Ho Ho Ho” because some women might get offended… and there is an annual story or two about Christmas Trees being removed in certain places because “Not everyone is Christian”. Hell, you can’t even say “Merry Christmas” anymore…you have to say “Happy Holidays” because inferring that someone should be merry on Christmas day somehow is offensive to non-Christians. I am an Athiest…I don’t believe that Jesus Christ was in any way divine, or that he was the offspring of an invisible omnipotent force of creation. Still, I think the idea of being jovial on December 25th is a pretty nice thought. I love that fat guy in the red suit. I love giving people shit they don’t want or need. I love the parties. I love the hustle. I love the bustle. I get a huge kick out of watching soccer Moms freak out at the mall. I could do without Bing Crosby, but still, Merry fucking Christmas.

Garden Ho Street Ho Ho Ho Ho

But I ran across a holiday story that is really impressive in the “get a life you cellulite ridden twat” Dept.:

Carmel Clay Terrace, Indiana, is the source of this year’s recipients of my holiday wrath, and the home of some women who really need a trip to Namibia. The limit of some people’s self righteousness is often in direct proportion to their lack or conjugal fornication, and the excess of consumed carbohydrates. Phony moral outrage spewed by fat broads who don’t get laid is as nauseating as having to endure them on a public beach.

It appears that several such women are on the warpath because they disprove of the sexy lingerie that mannequins in their local Victoria’s Secret store are modeling for customers who aren’t on a steady diet of bakery items, fried food and swallowed emotion. Selling Lingerie is what Victoria’s Secret does. What would they like them to display in their windows, snow parkas and scuba gear? These are mannequins for Christ sake…and they are covered!

Bras and panties! Oh the humanity!

"(The displays) are in this family-friendly mall with a sexual image for our children to see," said Lori Baxter, one of the group's leaders. "It tells our children that society approves of this. We want them to know we don't approve of this."

"Something that's meant to be viewed in private should not be on public display," said Jenny DeHeer, who is involved in the protest. "The dignity of women is being assaulted. The dignity of the sexual act is being assaulted. Women are being objectified."

How much do you want to bet that Lori and Jenny each have husbands who would rather do a tour in Iraq than have sex with them? I'll bet they are tipping their bathroom scales at about the equivelant of a Hundai. These beasts actually claim that images like this are part of what causes broken marriages and pre-mature sex. Are they kidding me?!?!?!? Let me break the bad news to you two fatsos, and the rest of the herd that you graze with…Women like you are what cause broken marriages, and demonizing sex and not discussing it with your children is what leads to premature sex. This has NOTHING to do with “morality”; this is just another example of a small group of large angry people trying to impose their will on others so they can feel good about themselves. How about a balanced diet and some time on a treadmill you genetic nightmares? Nah, making other people as miserable as you are is much more gratifying. They are probably pissed off because they can’t cram their ample behinds into the clothing that is being modeled. Imagine the nerve of women with enough self-esteem to actually be able to wear this stuff.

Here is your typical protestor. The enemy...women with restraint at the buffet

Hiding her self-righteousness in her ass.

What about some of the other images that children are forced to endure that Lori and Jenny may not approve of? What about the images on television? It’s a good thing that we have lard asses like this to use as our moral compass, if not a gauge to know when we should put down our forks. It’s too bad though that Victoria’s Secret is not breaking any laws, and is under no obligation to take down their displays. In fact, these are the same displays all over the country, but only these mutants have a problem with what to the rest of America are simply a bunch of mannequins wearing lingerie. Maybe we should try to appease Ms. Baxter, and Ms. DeHeer. We could open another store called “Oprah’s Secret”, or we could petition Mattel to alter the sexy, offensive images that their toy lines presently subject to young women and have them make an overweight, unkempt “Memory Suppressing Barbie” complete with a gallon of Haagen Dazs and a gravy stained house dress. Razor stubbled drunken step dad sold separately. Or a better idea might be to tell them to shut the fuck up, lose a couple of hundred pounds, and lighten the hell up. This isn’t about Victoria’s Secret you collection of tubby, sexless freaks; it’s about YOU and your anger.

But it is the Christmas season, and I don’t want to be too negative. Tis the season, you know? So for Christmas I would be genuinely happy if Santa left every one of these orgasm-less women a vibrator, and a gift certificate to Saladworks in their stockings…. and if that doesn’t help, perhaps he could leave their husbands a loaded .38.