For those of you who don’t live in NYC, I have to apologize. But to appreciate this month’s Rant it kind of helps if you live in New York.

If you have ever traveled around Manhattan by subway, there is a good chance you know about the tunnel that connects the NY/NJ Port Authority with the subway stations at Times Square. These days I find myself there quite often. During the winter this underground connection is invaluable since it allows someone to go from 7th to 8th Ave without freezing your ass off…not to mention for any real New Yorker, we’d rather walk on molten rocks than negotiate all those annoying damn tourists on 42nd street.

Once…just fucking ONCE I’d like to make it from one end to the other without being bombarded with assholes handing me pamphlets, flyers, asking me for donations…or yelling at me through a megaphone…Just once I’d like to get from Times Square to the Port Authority without having to endure some shit dick hoping to frighten me into servitude to Jesus Christ.

Without exception, those who are damning me to an eternity in a fiery Hell on a daily basis (which I imagine to be exactly like Los Angeles) are in dire need of extensive dental work, and whatever educational background they may have, it has apparently failed.  The most difficult obstacle to navigate is a group of incoherent dolts who take up enough square footage to warrant an exorbitant rent. Would the city allow me to have 3 tables full of shit in the subway? HA!…that’s a fucking laugh…but these assholes get to not only take up a shitload of space…but harass people as they walk by.  Claiming that God will torture me if I don’t straighten up and fly right (and they have the pamphlets to prove it) these unwashed former substance abusers hope to strike fear into the hearts of passerby’s. They even have a giant poster asking you where you want to spend eternity….with a picture of angels singing on clouds (Heaven looks pretty fucking lame to me) ….or what looks like the audience from a Metallica concert on fire. I guess my choices in the afterlife are utter boredom, or a really good tan.

The douche bag with the megaphone needs a beating as much as any human being not named O.J. Simpson. Shouldn’t you be able to formulate a lucid thought and compose a sentence using noun/verb/noun configuration if you are going to threaten people through a megaphone and have them believe you? His verbiage is so awful and Ebonics ridden that he makes Flava Flav sound like Lawrence Olivier…and this dolt is supposed to convince me that there is an invisible man who lives in the sky and he’s gonna be pissed off at me? The only thing that might convince me that God is trying to send me a message through this imbecile is if he’d stumble onto the tracks as the number 3 train was pulling into the station.

Of course the Jews for Jesus are there too. This group I’ll never understand. It’s like forming a group called “Dykes for Dicks”. At least the toothless wonders with the table full of pamphlets just kind of sit there in a methadone induced haze and babble at you as you walk by…the J4J’s have waaaaay too much damn energy as they jump in front of folks on their way home from work and badger the crap out of people who just want to get a fucking seat on their express bus.  I mean the one thing that Jews had going for them is they have no active recruiting policy; hence they tend not to annoy you by pushing their beliefs on you. Normally Jews couldn’t give a shit whether you are damned or not…. but not this group of young enthusiastic assholes. It’s almost like a group of Jewish teenagers sat in a room and asked each other “What can we do to be even more annoying than we already are?” Congratulations you self-loathing shmucks…you have trumped the entire Hebrew community.

But the knuckleheads who take the cake are the poor misguided fools who hand out literature for the “Tony Alamo Ministries” …run by convicted felon, conspiracy theorist and awful dresser, Tony “if she got boobs that’s good enough for me” Alamo. How fucking desperate does a person have to be to get conned into standing in the subway on your spare time to hand out flyers for this maniac? How fucking stupid do people have to be to listen to Alamo’s psychopathic blather and say to themselves “Hey, this guy makes a lot of sense!” Wanna see what I mean?…here is Alamo’s website:

http://www.alamoministries.com/content/english/index.html This is Alamo’s own website…not the work of people trying to discredit him…he does a good enough job himself…and yet there are still dopes out there gullible enough to ignore the fact that he’s been married more times than Zsa Zsa Gabor and who has dozens of women who are accusing him of polygamy and sex with underage girls…Jesus fucking Christ on stilts just look at this guy. I wouldn’t let him flip my burger, let alone sell me eternal salvation.

All of this and more occurs in one tunnel that connects a couple of train stations in midtown Manhattan….and I do want to give props to the little fella who plays the accordion…he’s a hoot. But it is impossible to ignore these hate filled religious fascists unless you want to freeze your ass off and hack your way through a jungle of tourists, who for some inexplicable reason love to stand in the middle of the sidewalk and stare straight up in the air. But it has become politically acceptable to use God to exercise hate and bigotry….and make no mistake…that is what this is. These are uneducated, unfortunate people who have been made so afraid of what might happen to them after they die they have been conned into rationalizing their hate for anyone who dares not be afraid of a God who threatens eternal torture. My commute is bad enough without having to endure these blathering fools.

If there really were a loving and merciful God, he would surely euthanize these assholes.