Of all the possibilities for my inaugural rant, I felt compelled to write about the subject I feel strongest about…Vanilla Marriage

Do you remember those balsa wood airplanes we got when we were kids? They cost a buck, and you would slide the frail little pieces of wood into the appropriate slots…hook on the rubber band…crank the plastic propeller twenty or thirty times… and watch as the flimsy piece of shit would plummet straight into to the ground, breaking the reed thin wood into splinters. One dollar wasted, one Macdonald’s large order of French fries stays under the heat lamp, and one pack of baseball cards remains in its wrapping. An afternoon of regret wondering why you spent a dollar on that stupid fucking airplane that you knew ahead of time wouldn’t fly, when there was a cardboard container full of salt, grease, and something resembling potato strings that would otherwise be contributing to the early stages of childhood obesity just waiting to be consumed, or a potential Tom Seaver to put in your spokes. You’ve seen a thousand little wooden airplanes nosedive into asphalt, yet you decided to invest a significant portion of your allowance on one anyway. You thought for some reason that this time, the plane would fly. Shmuck. As stupid choices go though, this one really isn’t so bad compared to some of the others most of us make. But I can’t help but think of this when I see Vanilla people getting married. Most of them just bought a balsa wood airplane.

It’s not that I give a shit if anyone wants to crash his or her airplane. It is their dollar, and their business. I won’t even say, “I told you so” when I am savoring my cholesterol enhancing fast food fries and they are piecing together what used to resemble a tiny little Cessna. The crux of this week’s rant is this: Vanilla folk get angry with people like me who DON’T crash their airplanes. Vanilla people are traditionally extremely unhappy in their marriages, and when they hear of the concept of non-monogamy they react as if it is a personal affront to them. This reminds me of the fat women who protest against pornography while they should be picketing Kentucky Fried Chicken. Your problem isn’t ME and my lifestyle it is you and yours. Stop focusing on Non-Mons and worry about your own god damn life. It seems the more sexually frustrated and angry Vanilla people are in their marriage, the worse their reaction to a consensual, successful, non-monogamous relationship.  

Swingers, Non-Mons are usually afraid of talk like this. Most feel they have to hide who and what they are because of small-minded Vanilla bigots who will judge them. Even Non-Mons have adopted a policy of political correctness when addressing their Vanilla counterparts, and will usually not suggest that the grass is greener on their side because they feel that might draw the wrath of the woefully sexless orgasm-less masses.

Well I say, “Fuck these assholes”. I am tired of waiting in the attic for the Nazi’s to come get me.

Vanilla people are more accepting of people like themselves who engage in extra-marital sex behind the backs of their spouse. You know… cheating. Lying, omitting, and sneaking around are more readily accepted by these phony, two-faced morons than had they consensually engaged in non-monogamy. Wanna talk about fucked-up? Many will go to church and self-righteously point fingers at others while their own house is crumbling. Is that the problem? Non-Mons go against the teachings of your church? Is that why you feel compelled to attack us? If that is the case, you cowardly hypocrites, why don’t you organize picket lines in front of other houses of worship that adhere to a different doctrine than your own? I’ll tell you why you don’t. Self-righteous Vanilla assholes are never about what they say they are. Every time I see someone react over zealously to Non-Mons it is always about petty jealousy and small-minded bigotry. They are miserable, and sexless, and they pathetically want to lash out at those who aren’t, and they use the excuse of being on the side of morality. They want to impose their values on you, as if being sexless and unhappy has any value in it at all.

To any married Vanilla jerk-offs who feel the burning desire to attack Non-Mons because you have wrecked your own life, and you can’t bear the thought of others who haven’t… May you contract debilitating arthritis so that you experience the pain you want others to feel whenever you point your disfigured little finger at them. 

Fuck you.