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For the curious…
Here are some stupid little factoids about me…why anyone would remotely give a shit about any of this is a fucking mystery to me: Height: 6’3”…if I am standing on a milk crate…otherwise I am 5’9”.
Weight: Go fuck yourself.
Marital Status: Much to the dismay of male nurses and 300lb women everywhere, I am taken. Jane and I have a great thing going. Being Non-Mons just freaking rocks. Born: Queens, NY Residing in: Suburban NJ
Ethnicity: My grandparents were from Italy, But I am about as Italian as vodka…I am an AMERICAN. This is who I root for in the Olympics.
Age: I turned 42 in 2006…from now on its up to you to do the math.
Sports: I root for all the old NY teams, the Knicks, the Giants, the Yankees, and the Rangers…but to be honest, my life got much better when I stopped giving a shit about the outcome of games. Now I have a passive rooting interest unless the Devils and Islanders are playing. Then I root for the arena to catch fire and all of the occupants to perish.
Favorite places: We go to Vegas all the time, and we try to make an annual excursion to Hedonism in Jamaica. Miami is a great town, as are Chicago, New Orleans and San Francisco. Most cities have their good points, except Washington, which is like a giant slum. I can’t stand going to the country, or places that close before midnight. If I lived in Montana I’d kill myself.
Doing what I do best Food: I like almost anything, unless its stupid and gross like Llama balls or goat eyes. I love everything from Mexican to Thai…but there is nothing like a good steak. I am trying not to eat too much fried food because I have no desire to be a big fat bastard. Desserts: This is my downfall, but luckily I am so utterly shallow and vain that I am able to avoid stuffing my fat fucking face with this crap every day. I would kill a gaggle of nuns if it meant that I could have ice cream and not gain a shitload of weight. Music: Again, I like almost everything, except rap, and annoying bad pop…and country…I guess I don’t like almost everything…Like any other white boy from the ‘burbs, I love Rock…but if I hear Hotel California one more freakin’ time I am going to smash the damn radio. I really dig Jazz, unless it sounds like elevator music…and I love classic old funky soul. Give me Otis Redding or Wilson Pickett and I am a happy guy.
Spot the Nasty Asshole in this Picture
TV: Again, as a medium, television sucks…my favorite show is Penn and Teller’s Bullshit! On Showtime…Bill Maher is a bright guy, and his show is pretty entertaining, even when I disagree with it. “24” has been an interesting watch but I think it will soon suck balls like the X-files did after 3 seasons. Luckily there is Internet porn.
Movies: I smash almost everything I see. Hollywood is horrible, and most movies are written so that a person with down syndrome can understand them. I mean everyone loves the first two Godfather movies, including me. Patton was terrific; I liked The Sting, Jaws (the first one), Casablanca, Citizen Kane, and a few others. I liked the Lord of the Rings movies, but I wanted to gut George Lucas with a gardening tool when he “Ewoked” the Star Wars Franchise and turned them into bad kiddie flicks. Comedians: Jim Norton could make me laugh on the day my mother dies. Lewis Black is great, as is Stephen Lynch. George Carlin has been a big influence as well. All of them owe Lenny Bruce a blowjob when they reach the afterlife.
Other interests: I love pro wrestling. This is the best theater there is, and it’s even better when it involves gratuitous sex and violence. I also love stage productions, both on and off Broadway. When I see talented people after reading the depressing drivel in the New York Post it makes me feel like we have a chance to make it to the next century without blowing ourselves up. I could never leave NYC on a full time basis. I love it here, which is testament to my lack of sensibility. 
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