I have a soon to be 14 year old son who is the smaller and much better looking version of me. My boy looks like I would have if everything turned out right on me. The handsome lil’ fella likes to play baseball, he plays the guitar, and he has a bunch of friends. Together he, and his equally experience challenged pals do traditional 14-year-old boy stuff…. you know, they run around and get dirty, they throw stuff and knock the hell out of each other…and every once in a while they do something stupid that an older person might have thought better of. But that’s part of being 14.  He has a terrific sense of humor though, and he consistently cracks me up. He is a Great kid, and he makes me proud every day. One of the things I love most about “mini me” is that he has never been a whiner, or a complainer.

That’s my boy.

Now it is not in my nature to verbally bash minors…so I won’t. Some kids do however; annoy the hell out of me. That’s just the truth…I don’t hate some kid that is getting under my skin…and I certainly don’t wish a horrible fate to come to any irritating, runny nosed little bastard at least until his or her 18th birthday. Certainly, as adults, we have all experienced kids that are easier to like than others. This usually is a direct reflection of how I feel about the parents. If the Father is an annoying douche, there is a good chance that the a-hole won’t fall far from the tree.

I think I may have found the most annoying child on the face of the earth. McKay Hatch, an attention starved 14 year old from Pasadena California…who for some reason was given two last names… has started his national “No Cussing Club”…UGH. I won’t take out my wrath on the youngster…his patrimonial DNA is no fault of his own, and he still has 4 years to overcome his unfortunate genetics. However it would be a good day if Brent Hatch, McKay’s Dad, were to end up as the star in an Al Queda beheading video.

Now I’m not going to claim that Mr. Hatch should be teaching his son about the subtleties of single malt scotch, and how to tell good porn, from really good porn. Not for at least another year or two anyway (When in doubt, go for something German) … and O.K.…young McKay doesn’t like to Cuss…we get it…he’s a good boy… But this whole Oprah-esque, demasculizing of young men has got to stop. If the little tike doesn’t want to drop a “c-bomb” at the dinner table when he casually asks his Mom to pass the Ketchup, well…good for him.  I’ll bet the pint sized ray of sunshine craps little gumdrops too. But a national movement about what a 14-year-old perceives as improper language? Here’s an idea Brent…how ‘bout you explain to your son that if he doesn’t want to curse, that’s very noble of him…but he shouldn’t go around “challenging” others to change their speech according to his (more likely, your) astigmatic vision of how language should be spoken. What comes next, is he going to tackle men’s room etiquette by asking the other boys to sit when they pee? There is a word for that type of smugness that I doubt your brat would appreciate.

www.nocussing.com

I have seen kids like McKay though…his attention whoring isn’t because he can play the piano, or because he is a whiz at calculus, or because he actually accomplished anything… His awful Ralph Malph looking father is teaching him how to be an annoying, self-serving, sanctimonious little shit, just like him, as a way to justify his own self-victimization. A regular chip off the ole’ blockhead. He is being brainwashed with political correctness to believe that he is actually doing something wholesome and worthwhile, when in fact; he’s just become the poster boy for adolescent piousness.

How does the elder Hatch believe high school students will react when his son encourages them to quote SpongeBob Squarepants when they are angry? Barnacles? Sassafras? He can’t think of better words than these? Oh fiddle sticks…the young McKay is going out of his way to have other young kids tell him to go fuck himself…In fact Mr. Hatch, your offspring seems to revel in being “cussed out” by those “bad” kids at his school. But that is what many young kids will do because they have not yet become eloquent enough to use more colorful metaphors as means to express their displeasure at being told how they should speak by some 14-year-old goody two shoes.

This is how cults work, Mr. Hatch… the more people who tell some tambourine banging loser that he is an asshole, the further he will withdraw from society and retreat to the comfort and safety of his or her cult. Mr. Hatch…young McKay is becoming a preachy little asshole…just like you. Not all victims of child abuse have bruises. You are teaching your son to be a little bitch, sir.

A good father will start reading with his kids at an early age. Some fathers teach their son’s how to fish…or how to catch a football...you know, Father/son stuff… But a really good dad will learn from the mistakes he made in his own life, and that his father made with him, and try to find a way to teach those lessons in today’s world…. Not try to validate his own sense of pietistic self-righteousness by creating a more obnoxious version of himself. This is the loser equivalent of the jerk-off sports Dad.

I truly hope for young McKay’s sake that he goes away to college, and gets laid early and often. It might be the only way he can escape becoming an apron wearing wuss for the rest of his life.