This Week in Talk Shows (T.W.I.T.S.)

This section is not about shows like Jerry Springer or Maury Povich. It’s not that watching 300 lb. chicks in halter tops throwing hay makers at each others empty craniums isn’t entertaining, and god only knows that people from the trailer park community are under represented on daytime TV…But when Maury brings out some freak with his twin still born sister conjoined to his hip, or a midget married to a post op tranny, hilarious as that may be, let’s face it... This is like the modern day version of going to the carnival to see the bearded lady or the half-man/ half-ape. No matter how they try to spin it to appease the conscience of the people watching…there is nothing remotely philanthropic about these shows. I just wish they’d stop trying to be politically correct by putting up the pretense that they are trying to help these sub-humans. Let it be what it is, just enjoyment at other people’s expense.

No no no no no…The rest of the talk show circuit isn’t anything like Jerry or Maury. They are much worse.

With all of the post Phil Donohue era new-aged humanitarians with microphones and ad revenue littering free television …the imbeciles who are watching daytime television have done what many thought to be impossible. They have actually gotten dumber. They, the “hosts” of these hour-long whine-a-thons purport themselves as the saviors of morals and the watchdogs over the poor, unfortunate and unwashed masses. They suck a thousand different ways. Millions of sensibly susceptible Vanillas mindlessly stare, and learn to regurgitate cookie cutter advice doled out by these opportunistic, ignominious dullards with a box of Oreos between their exponentially expanding thighs… and like inattentive sheep who fill stadiums to listen to some preacher who is getting rich from their publicly assisted donations (tax free)… the advertising dollars keep pouring in to these charlatans because Vanilla housewives and self important wanna be moralists become addicted to this drivel.

These Talk Show hosts, and the self help industry as a whole remind me of the pharmaceutical industry. They love to sell you pills they tell you will make you feel better, even though it will cause other symptoms that will require you needing even more pills. The self-hurt industry wants to similarly keep you coming back for more bullshit advice that will make you more addicted to them. People keep watching these shows, buying the diet videos and reading relationship books…and people keep getting fatter and getting divorced.

Let’s begin with my favorite target.
Dr. Phil McGraw. Bullshit personified.

Changes borders into Whine

I’ll give you an example, and one that is near and dear to my heart. He allegedly did a show on swingers. But just so this cocksucker could make himself look like the “Relationship Messiah”, he had a couple on his stage who were such utter dopes that anyone without the ability to see through his charade would immediately be taken in and associate everyone in the lifestyle with these idiots. Catering to his mindless Vanilla audience, he was able to denounce the entire lifestyle in one broad brush stroke. Rather than have a panel of responsible people to offer some perspective, he was able to bully these simple-minded morons. God forbid someone speaks the truth about Vanilla marriage and monogamy… that might cost him book sales.

Similarly he did a few episodes trying to save the Vanilla marriage of Todd and Jessica, both of whom should be doused in gasoline and set ablaze.

Just from his presence, Dr. Phil was going to “will” these two to love and respect each other. He dramatically (with the cameras rolling) stormed into their bedroom and nailed a divorce decree to the wall to show them the finality of their actions. If they had any gumption they would have pinned him down with their considerable girth and nailed it into his enormous forehead. At least they would have accomplished something positive as a couple. The way to “save” these two would have been to help them with an exit strategy so they could escape their marital hell without killing one another. But that isn’t what Dr. Dickhead wanted. He was more concerned with his public image as the “Relationship Messiah” .

This guy makes more money than Tiger Woods at the expense of vulnerable Vanilla assholes. He thinks he is the Bob Villa for your life and he can fix anything. Are you fat?,.. he’ll tell why you over eat. Having trouble with your family?…hey, he’ll straighten it out in an hour. Your marriage sucks? …Well…Dr. friggin’ Phil knows all about that too, he can re-ignite the flames of passion in your loveless, sexless, life sentence and have you holding hands and “communicating” like when you were newlyweds. Maybe he should have listened to himself when he was splitting from his first wife, who accused him of being a control freak (naw, really?). He is about as objective as Mussolini, and if he wants your opinion, he’ll give it to you… and just for the record, I want to bang the hell out of his annoying, no nothing wife just because they are trying to spin this hapless airhead off as being a competent relationship expert. She needs to be double teamed more than Michael Jordan.

I beg all of you; don’t take my word for it. Go to http://www.drphil.com/ and see for yourself. Read the messageboards under the heading “marriage” and see what will happen to you if you become one of Dr. Phil’s flock. He’s gotten people addicted to misery, and he is their fix.